A Fox Called Kay (kayfox) wrote,
A Fox Called Kay
kayfox

Food Incident Report No. 382

Suspects:
Rufus Teague Meat Rub.
3 parts Tillamook Sharp White Cheddar (Aged).
1 parts Tillamook Smoked Cheddar.
1 parts Rembrandt Gouda.
1 parts Parmesan.
Small amount of Milk.

Victims:
Macaroni Shells.
Tri-Tip Steak.

Narrative:
Rufus Teague was selected as a result of an utter exhaustive search of the spice aisle at an unnamed QFC in Bellevue, WA. During the search it was determined that nearly half of the BBQ sauce and spice industry in the United States is based out of Kansas City. After a ten-minute long review, Rufus Teague was found to have the most appealing combination of ingredients and thought to be most capable of this job.

Selection of the cheese was more difficult, over a half-hour was spent examining the cheeses in the cheese case, some of which were selected for other tasks. A smoked bleu cheese from Rogue Creamery was selected for an experiment in mac-and-cheese, but was later found to be in poor health and retired to the ice chest to await further examination. Other cheeses selected during this trip included Manchego and a Rembrandt Gouda, already existing in the ice chest were an unremarkable Parmasean, and the old standby, Jarlsberg.

Upon arrival at the scene of the crime, a review of the cheeses was conducted. Sampled were the Gouda Manchego, and Jarlsberg, the Bleu was examined and found to be too risky for this job. The Gouda was found to have the consistency of "liquid smoke" as told by one of the witnesses. The Manchego displayed a hard, strong and proper consistency, and assigned to the ice box to wait for a future job needing taste of its Spanish origin. While Scandinavian, the Jarlsberg reminded witnesses of a strong Swiss cheese, and was returned to the ice chest to rest. In the end a combination of Tillamook Sharp White, Tillamook Smoked, Rembrandt Gouda and the unremarkable Parmesan were chosen for the hit.

The Tri-Tip was forced to lie on a broilpan at knifepoint while rubbed all over with Rufus Teague, the remnants of which were collected and placed on the steak for strong flavor. This abomination was then placed under the hot electro-broil and left to cook on its own while the attack refocused on the Macaroni Shells.

In preparation for the hit on the shells, water was brought to a boil in a nonstick sauce pan on the cooktop. Once the water was boiling, whilst still begging for mercy the shells were hurled into the boiling water, salt and 4 drops of some unspecified brewed pepper dribble added 4 minutes later. The shells were cooked to a aldente consistency, drained and coated with some milk and then drained again. The cheese mix was then stirred in and mixed until melted throughly throughout the shells. Witnesses have speculated that one could substitute some butter for the milk and obtain a more creamy consistency.

The steak was then removed from the electro-broil and found to be a medium rare. Both the steak and the shells were then plated and served with a mixed drink only so fourth described as "tropical."


Examination of the crime scene:
Taste tests of the drink found it to have multiple types of rum, as well as an unknown number of citruses and pineapple. The steak was found to have a sweet taste consistent with the Rufus Teague rub, its texture was tender and juicy. The so called macaroni and cheese mix had a complimentary smokey and rich taste. Detectives have had difficulty describing the exact taste of this complex combination, and would like you to try it yourself.
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