Got in a bloody fight over AIM with Saph. He said he'd 86 me from Klub Z. So I went, he said he'd be there, guess he had more pressing matters (like his latest fuck). Im kinda portraying him in my mind as Brian Kenney (From Queer As Folk), always out looking for or home fucking his latest trick, guess Ive gotten a bit cynical... So there I was, annoyed as hell, and some cute boy came over and sat down across from me, in the midst of out conversation he asked about the basement, I explained to him that as far as I know the basement hasnt been open in recent history, and asked him if he had gotten the idea from XY Magazine... he did. Our conversation kinda teeterd out, he found some cute guy and left, guess he fits in there. Tony showed up later, he's nice when he wants to be, but he kinda burned it with me outside later on, generally its not nice to walk right past someone when they say hi. So I went back inside, said goodnight to Jordan (boy is (s)he cute) and left, caught the bus and rode home.
Ok, this little twinkish culture of young cute 'bois' is really getting on my nerves, especially how fucking hard it is to break into it and become one of them. The lust that drives it is apparent in how they associate, nothing less than petrfect is acceptable. One must be some sort of prominent figure or an XY coverboi to get any attention around them. Oh yeah, they'll strike up a conversation with you online, but once they meet you, your history. How fucking superficiall can you get? Id love to see these guy's Karmas they must rate really low.
Thats what you get for defining a whole culture by desire. You ever see the average gay teen in XY? No? Thought so.
Thats what you get, and we wonder why gay youth have such a high suicide rate, 34% of all youth suicides were commited by GLBT youth, of all GLBT youth, 30% have attempted suicide (as compared to 7% among straight youth). These numbers haunt me, like everything else, lust, HIV, looks, yeah, its a fucked up world out there. Theres a real goddamn reason why HIV is more prevalent among gays, and even more of a reason for it spreading like wildfire among gay youth. Can you say stupid, lust driven attitudes and lifestyles? Monogamy is a joke here.
Why the hell did I put up with being called names (youve heard them, faggot, queer, poofter, faerie, etc), being physically assaulted, being descrimiated against in just about everything, and most of all, being rejected by my Father and his wife. Just to be cast out by these people. At least at SMYRC people say "hi Kay," and talk to me, how much a few little words can do, as we all know, the pen is always mightyer than the sword.
Ok, I sound like a ranting lunatic thats just pissed off because he's not being welcomed with open arms, and in many ways I am. But Im right! I rate lower than anybody else at Klub Z, and why the hell do I try to be better when nothing I do will make it work? Oh, hell, I could procure some antidepressents and some Ritalin (or something like it) and make myself normal just so that what? I still dont think that would get me far around there. Oh, hell, Ive got excuses coming out of my ears, but you know what? I dont like using them. Thats why you dont know Im mentally wierd, or that it will take some laser hair removal to make me look completely clean shaven, ot that my skin breaks out at the drop of a hat. So go on and find someone who has been born perfect, you have a nice supply waiting for you, Thursdays, Fidays and Saturdays, at Klub Z, 333 SW Park Ave, Portland, OR. And yes, thats a Jimmy Buffet album, I probably lost a few points in this verry sentence.
Oddly enough, I wrote this whole thing listening to one of DJ Frankie J's performances at Klub Z, just go and pick one.
Oh, those of you that have been blessed, or cursed, with my LJ friendship, stay tuned for some more crap.
As always, comments are welcome, nasty shit will be deleted. And you can find pics of me at my website, http://kayfox.org/